Strength In The Letting Go

I've never liked the word "goodbye," because it always seemed too finalized, too curt and short.  Some goodbyes have no emotion and can easily roll off the tongue, because it isn't final, and one knows they will see the other soon, however . . . other farewells are heart-wrenching, and bring waves of mourning.  I cannot even come close to imagining the pain that a parent must bear at having to say goodbye to a young son or daughter who is leaving to serve in the military overseas.  Or losing a loved one in a tragic accident.  I could list many ways that goodbye can cause so much pain, and I don't want to categorize or downplay any of it, as it is all so real and registers differently within each person at the moment it is happening. I think the worst pain of all is losing someone that you've invested years of your life with, and having to say goodbye to them while they are still living, knowing your lives will not be able to walk together again. How do you bridge a great divide like that?

Jeannine and I at our High School Graduation Party, in Texas 

People think it is holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes the strength is in being able to let go. I remember when I was 17 years old, we were all sitting around the supper table when Dad shared the news that we would be moving to Dallas.  I was a junior in High School, a cheerleader, and just finished performing as one of the leads in our school play -- finally felt completely connected to the community, and had quality friendships in my life -- then my whole world started spinning.  I quietly stepped away from the dinner table and went downstairs to the den, sat on the floor, stunned and speechless, looking up at the shelves of family pictures above the entertainment center.  They were scenes from my whole life neatly arrayed.  Dance recital, family reunions, ribbons, awards, trophies, Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Judy and her family,  our church family, fall foliage, winter fun, this was my home, this was my hometown, these were my people . . . and I had to leave it all! I had to leave everything I knew, that was familiar to me.  The mourning process began.

Dad Barry holding Kaitlin as a baby

Little did I know that it would be the first of many goodbyes.  I spent 16 years of my life in Dallas, and made incredible friendships, lived in beautiful places and made more memories.  Graduated from Bible college, served as a short term missionary to Great Britian and Ireland, married my incredible husband, Hugh, and we had our daughter Kaitlin (who is now 14 yrs) there. Then our relocation to Connecticut happened.  Here we were being torn away AGAIN, from the people we loved, and this time I was having to say goodbye to my immediate family.  Now it was time to walk alone . . . just me, my hubby and daughter. 

Jesus said, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel’s sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life. 

“But many who are first will be last, and the last, first.”

Mark 10:29-31

We lived in Connecticut for two years, and our church was two hours away, so we could only go once a month.  Believe it or not . . . that was when we bonded and grew closer as a family.  We would spend time everyday (instead of 1-2 times a week) reading the Bible together, praying and talking about the things of God.  Even though we had absolutely NO family around us at all, God began giving us great friendships to help fill our souls, and a peace that passed all understanding.  Of course we still ached for the family hugs and fellowship, but there was a sense of peace, knowing we were in the place we were supposed to be for the time we were supposed to be there. 

When I go back to NY, to visit my family there, I LOVE going to my Aunt Judy's house, because it is the same charming Cape-style home she was married in, gave birth to her two beautiful children, and even cared for her husband before he passed away.  It has been her home for over 40 years.  Every time I enter its doors all the memories come flooding back and sometimes I just go into her front living room, sit on the couch and stare out the big picture glass window, reliving each scenario of when we were little, gathered around the Christmas tree, opening presents.  The giggles, laughter and smiles so vibrant,  as Dad, Aunt Judy and Grandma's laughs all echoed together in a vibratic cacaphony; tenor, alto and sopranic vibratos filling the air with joy.  It was the sound of family and comfort. I am so thankful we atleast have that place to enjoy, as a sense of "home" when we travel back to NY. 

Our house in Connecticut,
which backed up to the Meshomasic Forest

After 9/11 my husband's job was layed-off and we were forced to relocate once again (sigh).  This time it was to Minnesota, a state I had NEVER visited before and didn't even have it on my list of places to visit in my lifetime (sorry, no offense to my MN friends, just keepin it real here).  Connecticut I could handle, because it wasn't far from NY, and atleast Texas had my immediate family there, but MINNESOTA???  I didn't know a soul there and it was a 2 day drive either way to NY or Texas.  I was thinking . . . okay God, you really have a sense of humor.  What are you trying to tell us?  I don't want to be like the Israelites who had to travel 40 years in the desert, when they only had an 11 day journey to Canan.  Are we being disobedient and being disciplined or is there a bigger plan that we don't know about??  So we said goodbye to our newly established Connecticut friendships, and made our way to the land of many lakes.  We drove two days in a blizzard with a cat throwing up in the back seat and a 6 year old daughter just going with the flow (love how flexible she is!).  I was amazed at how, despite the hard circumstances, we were filled with peace and everything lined up beautifully at the closing of our home in CT and the new buying of our home in MN.  We knew God's hand was in everything.

Of course this journey is still playing out, and we don't have a final conclusion as to why we have been here in Minnesota for the last 7 years, but we know we are here for a reason.  We've definitely had our share of goodbyes, more than we like, but are so thankful for each life that we've had the honor of meeting and connecting with.  Some lives/places we have been able to connect with for years and some for only days, but it is the ones who remain for a lifetime (even across the miles) that mean the most. Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to. When we look back now, we know who our real friends have always been, and they are the ones we cherish.  Saying goodbye to the ones we've loved, but may not have received the same level of love back is the hardest.  It always breaks my heart when I invest so much of my life and love into another life and they can so easily disconnect.  So the strength doesn't come just with the letting go . . . but also being able to let go of bitterness and  forgive. For me it is never goodbye, but rather . . . until we meet again.

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”

~ Irish Blessing

The Art of Adventure

“A person practices the art of adventure when they break the chain of routine and renew their life through reading new books, traveling to new places, making new friends, taking up new hobbies and adopting new viewpoints” 
 ~Wilfred Peterson
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This weekend was very interesting, and filled with new adventures.  On Saturday night a group of us decided we were going to go to a wrestling match.  Although I grew up seeing the WWF wrestlers on TV (thanks to having a brother in the house, and two guys on the bus who talked about it everyday) ;-)  I've never ever been to an official wrestling event before.  Even though I grew up in the city till I was 14, most of my upbringing was in the Arts (dance, acting, singing), with an occasional stint on soccer and softball teams, and 2 years of cheerleading.  You would say I have lived a pretty foo-foo (comfortable) middle class life.  So as I was sitting in the audience on Saturday night, my girlfriends and I couldn't help but think we were in the land of Oz, with strange dream-like scenarios playing out before our eyes.  The man in front of us had his head down most of the time, with an occasional gutteral burst of "BUTTHEAD" coming out of him, as he screamed up at the wrestlers.  I scanned our row and we were all very tame, sitting perfectly in our seats and being polite.  There was a guy in the front row, shaking his cane at the tag-team, and the little girl at the end of our row screaming "GET HIM, TAKE HIM DOWN!"  Then there was the guy behind us hollering, "OH MAN YA GOT HIM RIGHT IN THE SNOTBOX!" after one of the contenders walloped a guy in the face LOL.  Of course there was far more savory language coming out, yet our row remained docile, and laughing at all the antics.

My girls!! L to R: Sheri, Stephanie, me, Jill, Missi, Brandy and Melanie

Scott "The Brauler" Brault

Then the lead act came out.  This is a man who attends our church, and we were all there to support and cheer him on!  Well all of a sudden this tranquil row decided to come alive and get the verbage out.  We started yellin and rooting for our guy, The Brauler!  Of course we kept it G, but it was so funny to see everyone finally having a good time -- whooping and hollering -- embracing the moment.  After the wrestling match we decided to go into the adjoining room where there was an 80's hairband playing rockin songs.  They were actually VERY good!  The ladies took a table and ate popcorn and peanuts; sipping on diet cokes and water, while the guys began a few games of pool.  The diversity of people were all around us: biker dudes, barmaids, corporate business people, little people, tall people, skinny, overweight, frumpy, pretty, drunk, non-drunk.  Everyone all in one place looking for one thing -- FELLOWSHIP and FRIENDSHIP.  I think the best places to have church are in bars!  Now before anyone decides to judge me and call me a backslider because I went to places like this . . . please hear me out.  I didn't realize how judgemental and prideful I was till I went on Saturday night.  In the forefront of my mind I was thinking I was wayyyy too good to be in a place like this, but once I let go and realized we are all equal in God's eyes, and that He loves each one the same (now He may not like what everyone does or what they say, but loves us each the same), I was able to enjoy my time.

In April I'll be doing my first Ironman Bike Race, and next week we are going to the Roller Derby :-O  Holy Cow are you serious???  I LOVE IT!!  A new adventure!! Should be very interesting, and wonder how much more I'll learn.  Definitely being drawn out of my comfort zone, but enjoying the ride.  All I know is we may need to balance some of this out with a jaunt to the Opera very soon  ;-) . . . ya know . . . just sayin.  Sometimes we get so caught up in our own circles of influence that we forget to explore other groups and environments.  There is an ART in being able to accept adventure, and explore new possibilities, even in some unsavory crowds.  So go out and have some fun this week and get outside your comfort zone.  See how much you learn about yourself and your surroundings.  Just stay out of trouble okay? (wink).

Tranparency Breathes LIFE!

One of the great things I have been learning the last few months is how to live transparently.  It isn't easy wearing one's heart on their sleeve, but it is essential in order to embrace life to the fullest -- good, bad and ugly.  I used to pride myself on appearing as though I had it all together -- the perfect family life; a hard-working, successful business man, who wanted to sleep in our bed every night; a beautiful daughter; a great writing career; a house in the suburbs; two cars; a great church family, and sweet friends to go with it. Note the word "appearing" in the last sentence.  Yes, of course I had all of those things, but one thing that was truly lacking was genuine transparency. 

Ya see . . .  I was one of  those people who only shared the "good things" that were going on in my life, but hardly ever spoke about the struggles or complexities. I do believe in some instances it isn't always convenient or proper to share "everything," but for the most part I didn't share anything at all but the fluff and happiness -- which meant hiding the pain. Last year my marriage was rocked to it's core and my husband and I were headed for a divorce.  We would walk around the house virtually ignoring one another and when we did talk it was usually pretty heated and full of animosity.  That feeling of extreme lonliness invaded our well-put-together home and we just couldn't shake it. I was pulling away, he was pulling away . . . and the silent coldness invaded the atmosphere of our home, so thickly that it sliced at the core of our hearts and spirits, and was bringing death to our marriage.  We began to hate one another! I left for NY for two weeks to write, get away and rethink our marriage, while he stayed back contemplating life as a single parent.

We'd go to church every Sunday and put on our happy church faces, all the while dying inside and not having anyone to talk to.  We kept our struggle silent . . . because everytime we tried to open up, some of our well-meaning friends would smile and tell us everything will be okay or that we just needed to think positive.  Now, I am a firm believer of  Philippians 4:8 which says,  ". . . whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."  But I do believe there is a time to get real, and share the truth of what is going on so "real" friends can be there during the tough times.  This mamby-pamby fluffy christianity was killing us because we weren't allowing ourselves to "FEEL" and get to the root of what we were really going through, so we could face it head on and get the help we needed. God's Word is valid and truth, but knowing when to apply it is also important.  Although we loved our sweet friends, and knew they didn't have the capacity to understand the depth of what we were going through, we needed ones that were willing to go into the trenches, talk tough love, cry with us, and walk us out of this mess, instead of covering it all over with "positive affirmations."

It started over a year ago, but it has been about 4 months of really working through these trials, and getting real with ourselves, and now we are seeing the LIFE which this transparency is breathing into our souls.  A dear Pastor and friend, whose counsel we cherish said to us last week on the phone . . . when we are weak, He (Christ) is strong (Proverbs 31:17). This same Pastor is VERY REAL, sharing all of his frailties and imperfections while he counsels people.  It is because he is so tranparent that many, many people want more of God, because they know this man isn't talking from a place of perfection, but rather pointing them to Christ.  We've seen people healed, delivered and set free from serious addictions, etc in their lives because of it.

If all we do is walk around in our own self-sufficiency and put on a happy face all the time and act perfect, we are not allowing God to be strong in us.  It is only through real transparency, and humility He reveals His true nature within us.  If we want God to show up in our lives, it is humility that impresses Him. Pride gets between us and God, and without realizing it, we actually shut Him out of our lives.  However if we make ourselves raw and vulnerable before Him, then when the work is completed we can put on a genuine happy face, full of joy and truly experience His completion. Why??  Because transparency breathes LIFE, and I am so glad I can partake of that life now.  What you see is what you get with me these days . . . and so glad I am still a work in progress. We may not have the perfect family life -- although it is looking darn near close ;-) -- but we are thankful for God's grace and the love of other friends who were willing to lay down their lives for us and go into the trenches with us to save our marriage. We are on the healing side of it and doing well now, truly WELL :-)

Shelter From The Fire

Have you ever just sat, speechless, in peace, staring out the window?!  I am doing that right now, and it is an absolutely amazing feeling. I am looking at the beautiful 15 ft tall pine trees in our back yard, covered in snow.  Underneath the pine trees are a family of rabbits. They peek their heads out from time to time, and wander around the yard, but mostly stay hidden under it's cozy refuge.  My husband likes to let our two Retrievers (a Golden and Labrador) out to chase the rabbits, and it drives me nuts, as all I can think about is the cute little bunnies getting terrorized by the dogs.  However it IS clear that those rabbits are far more agile than the canines.  The keen sense that has been placed within the rabbits by their Creator show forth quite well when you compare them to the goofy dogs who like to toy with them.  What stands out to me is the shelter the trees provide for the rabbits. 

My husband and I recently went through a very hard situation which rocked our world, and the outcome could have been devastating, yet God sent the right people at the right time to bring ministry and healing right when we needed it.  My Mom is and always has been a prayer warrior, and she has some powerful intercessors who back her in prayer and share things with her as God tells them.  One of her intercessor friends called and told her that God was telling us (Hugh and I) that we would be "walking through the fire (trials in life), but not be burned."  Then another friend who was praying, completely unrelated and not in the same conversation prayed the same prayer over us!  WOW, confirmation and encouragement, which built our faith and allowed us to see God's hands and love extended to us through complete strangers.  People, who I am sure have other issues to deal with in their lives, and more important trials of their own to contend with, stopped what they were doing, listened to their Creator, and let us know that they were praying. We had many others friends lifting us up in prayer as well, and I am always humbled and blessed when people take time out to do this on our behalf. 

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

Sure we were scared and nervous, feeling the intensity of the trial . . . but when we heard those words of encouragement and rested in God's Word over our lives, for such a time as this . . . we found great refuge.  And . . . guess what??  The situation ended up working out, and any harm that others meant for us was thwarted, so . . .  just as the bunnies in our back yard take shelter under the snow-covered pine trees, we will take shelter and rest in God, who cares for our every need. Though people and situations may try to toy with us, I am basking in His peace and stand in awe of his mighty protection over our lives! 

Front Porch Sociology

My childhood was relatively carefree and  full of life. During the summer I'd wander around the neighborhood, saying hello to everyone, freely asking them about their day, and studying the world around me.  It wasn't uncommon for me to find a tree and climb it, where I'd sit for long periods of time and study people, or mosey over to a lilac bush, fingering each flower while inhaling its glorious scent.  To this day when I walk past a lilac bush I still get waves of great joy, as the smell brings me back to my days on Bock Street.  The same is true when I wander past wild grapes growing up a vine.  As a child in Upstate NY, all of my senses were continually delighted.  Between the beautiful Fall foliage, Fingerlakes grape growing region, Lilac festivals, and Italian sauce on Sundays, one could never grow bored with life. I remember our neighbors, The Caternolo and Surace families -- both Italian -- would make their special "sauce" on Sunday and invite half the neighborhood over for rigatoni, spaghetti, or the pasta of the week.  There was a real sense of community and my Dad's theory is that community was alive and well on Bock Street because of  all of the front porches. "When they got rid of the front porches they got rid of daily gatherings." I would have to agree with him on that one. Everywhere we've lived, where there weren't front porches . . . well, mingling among neighbors became less common. 


I remember dealing with my first bee sting, at 10 years old, while on that front porch on Bock St., and sitting out with my family as the thunderclouds rolled in and the rain fell, with its sweet scent of fresh grass mingled with wafts of black top gravel.  You could relax on that front porch and analyze the world from a whole new perspective.  People freely came and went, and there were always a few extra plates available at the dinner table just in case someone popped over.  Sometimes my parents Bible study group would spend hours sitting together, crying, laughing and singing right there on the front porch; Mom would get her guitar out and unity would commence.  The neighbors didn't mind, and many ended up coming over to join in and feel the peace and sense of "family."  Across the street were the Kobryns' -- a Greek Family-- and beside us were several Italian families.  We were the Irish family, and then there were others from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds, all welcome on that front porch.  It was where love abounded, food was plentiful and there were no divisions between people.  I think the next house we buy needs to have a front porch.  There really is something to the whole front porch sociology, which needs to come back to American culture again.  Care for a glass of iced tea or cup of coffee anyone?  Let's sit, rock, and tell one another about our day/month/life . . . breathe, bask in the peace and watch the world go by.  Just you and me . . . and a front porch (good sigh). :-)

The Language of Joy

Last night I was with a few friends and found myself laughing-out-loud, giggling and making garish intermittent snorting sounds, laced with quirky muffled squeals.  We weren't drinking anything (well maybe some coffee and H20), yet these exuberant noises were bursting out of us simply because we delighted in the language of JOY together.  This beautiful, yet disturbing language has many facets, but its most dominant trait is FREEDOM.  When we are free to be ourselves around one another, we are free to embrace the art of expression, which in many circles would be considered offensive or disorderly.  Beautiful in that it breeds LIFE, and no matter how many burdens or cares ones carries, they flit away when one is able to partake of the language of joy.  Disturbing, in that ya never know how this language is going to come out, and for me . . . well it really isn't pretty, and I beg of my friends to please wear ear plugs next time, because when bursts of joy come out of me they aren't always packed in a petite and sensible auditory package.  Snorts and squeals may not be beautiful, but what ushers forth from the depths of the soul is simply contagious.  It may be a foreign language to some, but I hope this language of JOY is something I get to experience more often. :-)

The Dichotomy Of Life

I was just thinking about the word "dichotomy" and how it peeks through in everyday life. According to the dictionary the word dichotomy means "a division of two usually contradictory parts or opinions," or "any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts." We wonder today why there are so many separations between people, cultures, families, nations, churches, friendships, etc. and it is this very word that brings to light the cause and effect of it all. DIVISION, is the basis of dichotomy, and in order for dichotomy to reside there must be two opposing elements. The very word "di-vision" means "two visions." Sometimes two different visions work okay together, and sometimes they don't.

I have two dear friends who are in a dichotomy right now. One really loves people and wants to help them and goes about it in a very tranparent and "give-it-all, in-your-face, highly passionate" way, and the other really loves people and wants to help them, but is more private, mysterious, controlled and less tolerant. These two people, supposedly loving in their own way, are in HUGE division with one another, and many people are caught in the middle. I see both sides, and appreciate both personalities, yet . . . I can't help thinking that somewhere, somehow, someone has to give! Pride can be a huge propellant of a dichotomy, and when it exists and manifests it maims relationships at the core. No matter how loving a human being is, if they are unwilling to yield and unwilling to let go of their own insecurities and manipulations they are going to kill the very people they are trying to love. This is the dichotomy of life . . . when we hold on too tight we lose it all, yet if we are willing to let go, sometimes we can gain everything.